i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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