I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
