just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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