I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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