shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
