Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
