Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
