sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
did i just pee glitter
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
