I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
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