So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
