on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
