I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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