I just threw up on my dentist
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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