Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
