after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize