its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
