considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
