The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize