My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
