the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I wish there were birth control emojis
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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