my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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