I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
