the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
