I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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