My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
