I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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