It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
