so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
