You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
