drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
