HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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