I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
