I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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