Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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