I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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