She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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