she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i wish my penis had a tongue
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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