There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
