you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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