Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
farters have to be the big spoon...
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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