I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
