An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
