If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
