I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
As shirtless as possible
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
