I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
