I can't breathe out the right side of my face
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
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