Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
