can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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