I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
