If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
zippers are such a cool invention
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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