You're my little dorito
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
