I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
