o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
