Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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