: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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