Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
