now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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