I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
