I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
